Graceful

I've waited my whole adult life for somebody to say that word... YOU are graceful. YOU handled this or that situation with grace, isn't SHE graceful.
It has NEVER come.

In MANY situations, I do no show grace, I am not calm, or put together.

There have been a few stellar times in life I really think I have been graceful, and hurt when it hasn't been recognized. Examples - my parents had a total loss fire in 2004. 19 of us had slept out the house the night before, gone to church, with our very large family, and upon return the house was in flames. My sister lost it, my mother froze in time, my dad was in shock... on, and on. I, at the time was 24 with a 9-mo old, and, I stepped up.

I did things like run to Target and purchase the necessities for everyone. I got the kids a couple of gifts each (did I mention, this was the day after Christmas, and all their gifts were gone), I had Target provide new prescriptions for my mother. I took care of everybody.

I have an uncle who had the nerve to say I was hysterical!! ME?! I took care of everyone. I handled the situation with grace. NEVER to be acknowledged.

So, fast forward to 2011 - I did a hospital visit with my husband (he is a pastor) and we were seeing a weller-to-do, very respected 70-something from our congregation.

She said those beautiful words to me. "It is so wonderful to see you S. I am so impressed with you, you handle situations with such grace".

I feel excited and confused at the same time. After 31-years that wonderful description of "graceful" has been said, about me. But, I wonder - 2 days ago, she arrived at the hospital with major confusion and memory loss. She is back to about 85% - maybe it is the always negative Betty in me, but I wonderful - was she been kind, gracious herself? Or, did she mean it?  Has somebody actually referred to me, as handling a situation with grace?

Why I'm Here

Quick version- I'm a pastor's wife, 3 kids, 1 husband, 2 cats, 1 dog and daily, I think I've lost my mind. Or, my sanity. Or, my brain

And sometimes, I fear, I've lost my love, my compassion, my patience, my caring.

I haven't lost me, I'm just a different me - for various reasons.

The goal is to figure out how the heck to deal with myself, and those around me.

How to be the mom I want to be.

The wife I want to be.

How to be a "pastor's wife", a friend - so freaking much.

Am I vulgar, rude, obnoxious because I really am, or, am I fighting against myself? Who the hell knows.

I've been on drugs since I had my 2nd child in 2006. I had the worst PPD - I didn't think I had PPD - I was angry not sad, resentful not mopey, overwhelmed, not suicidal. Apparently, that is PPD. Great.

So, the Lex.apro began... I guess it helped. Who knows.

FF to 2008, pregnant with my 3rd, switched to Zo.loft during my pregnancy, supposed to be safer 2011, and here I am, still on the crap.

I try to go off, the bitch because a bigger, worse BITCH, if that is possible. Who knew.

Oh my word, so many things racing through my mind, ecstatic to have an outlet. Scared if someone finds this and reads this, devastated if they don't. Typical.

I'm pooped, frustrated, ready for Am.bien and bed. Praying for some capability of control and kindness tomorrow.