Why I'm Here

Quick version- I'm a pastor's wife, 3 kids, 1 husband, 2 cats, 1 dog and daily, I think I've lost my mind. Or, my sanity. Or, my brain

And sometimes, I fear, I've lost my love, my compassion, my patience, my caring.

I haven't lost me, I'm just a different me - for various reasons.

The goal is to figure out how the heck to deal with myself, and those around me.

How to be the mom I want to be.

The wife I want to be.

How to be a "pastor's wife", a friend - so freaking much.

Am I vulgar, rude, obnoxious because I really am, or, am I fighting against myself? Who the hell knows.

I've been on drugs since I had my 2nd child in 2006. I had the worst PPD - I didn't think I had PPD - I was angry not sad, resentful not mopey, overwhelmed, not suicidal. Apparently, that is PPD. Great.

So, the Lex.apro began... I guess it helped. Who knows.

FF to 2008, pregnant with my 3rd, switched to Zo.loft during my pregnancy, supposed to be safer 2011, and here I am, still on the crap.

I try to go off, the bitch because a bigger, worse BITCH, if that is possible. Who knew.

Oh my word, so many things racing through my mind, ecstatic to have an outlet. Scared if someone finds this and reads this, devastated if they don't. Typical.

I'm pooped, frustrated, ready for Am.bien and bed. Praying for some capability of control and kindness tomorrow.